Don’t be mad

Out of nowhere, a line in the darkness in the middle of the night becomes an “accusation” that brings up all the old familiar complaints.  You see how things can end, fall apart, without empathy.  Understanding.  Successive efforts and alternative approaches always end in failure.  “I can see why you feel this way,” the only way forward.  Learn how not to feel threatened and down, despite being the cause/trigger.  

Daycare starts soon, and with it hopefully a new routine.  Sparking a return even to the gym?   Lockdown with the newborn will be a whole new life again… did you do the 16 months apart on purpose?  Haha.

Trying to remember all of the ways you keep messing up what should be simple, held back by the inability to undo the past.  It will be fine, the mantra remains.  Faith, because what else is there.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Regarding a comment on your book

Interested to hear what this will be?  On the meeting with the parents?  The epilogue?  Nanny?  Something not even on the radar?  Worked out well to provide the advance copy…  actually just about moving up the ring and adding the pearls from his mom’s mom and showing affection and the epilogue being a tad long.  Easy fixes. More concerning is the return of the drinking and smoking since the Thanksgiving trip, which seemed to go well and yet.  The desire for wine on night one, switched to rum on night three, and all the old terrible signs - the glossy eyes, the slurred words, strange behavior with the boys.  Managed to avoid triggering an escalation before the inevitable passing out, upright watching some show. Need to be delicate in raising the concerns pre-London.  It’s the price you pay for the selfishness of the trip back to the Thames, but the sanity requires it.  I’m sure it will work out.  The guys need the wake-up call a...
Read more

Normally the Dad Picks Them Up

And with that throwaway line on a random Friday night, a stranger ruins my week, perhaps my life.   Really not fair to say that it’s always the same, no safe space to vent, etc.  But you’ll be hearing about that Angela line and the rest until death.  Put it on my tombstone, worked hard but never stood up for his wife in her eyes, always took the other person’s side in her eyes, no matter what he said or did.   So hard to be irrational, must be so weird to live in that world.  I felt like when she started throwing the word vagina around it might have been a little over the top, that was my first mistake.   Try again. Fail again. Trust the process.  Ay me.
Read more

Thamadness

Hello again old friend, the slurring, the glossy eyes, the unreason, the distance, the suddenness of the descent.  Obsession over the character of others.  The rise of loneliness, the rapid fall into an abyss which takes time to get out.  That time again.  The moon cycles.  And you never learn because it happened once more. So much to deal with and balance and yet.  The same.  Analogies with trying to instruct AA about the rules.  No hitting no pushing no kicking no biting no throwing.  And yet. No drinking no smoking. And yet.  The human being. See you next month, same time, same maddening place.  Or maybe vow to make 2025 different?  Can you?   Nothing is impossible…
Read more